.png)
A Trauma-informed approach with Roshni Dominic
Roshni is a trauma-informed, embodied sexuality coach who helps women and non-binary vulva owners connect to their bodies and find their sexual pleasure, power and wildness.
She is a Certified Sex, Love and Relationships coach, a Certified Female Sexuality coach, a Certified Male Sexuality coach and a Certified Jade Egg coach. She has completed a year-long (650+ hour) training in the Sex, Love and Relationships Certification with Layla Martin’s VITA (Vital Integrated Tantric
Approach) Institute. She is currently training in Somatic Experiencing® (a 3-year Practitioner Training in a body-oriented therapeutic model that helps heal trauma).
When she is not coaching or creating content, you can find her drawing naked women and reptiles, communicating with and savoring the life force that emanates from trees, grass and natural bodies of water… and enjoying quality dark chocolate.
This Episode we chat about...
Societal shame surrounding sexual practices across gender expression and orientations
The journey towards sexual empowerment and healing
Roshni's personal story of growing up in a conservative environment and finding her path to becoming a sexuality coach
The importance of trauma-informed care, consent, and exploring one's sexuality with curiosity and without shame
This transcript was generated with the help of AI. Thank you to our clients for supporting us as we strive to improve accessibility and pay equitable wages for things like human transcription.
Dalia Kinsey: Hello everyone. Welcome back to another episode of Body Liberation for All. I'm excited to bring to you a guest who can help us tackle a really important topic in all communities, but one that tends to be a little more of a traumatic area in LGBTQIA-plus communities, and that is sexuality. There's so much shame tied up in a lot of sexual practices across the board, even if they're considered mainstream and kind of vanilla. But if you happen to be a queer person, depending on where you're born and what community you're born into, there's probably even more shame related to anything that has to do with an encounter with someone of the same gender or someone who is gender nonconforming. So, I'm excited to have Roshni here. Roshni is a trauma-informed embodied sexuality coach who helps women and non-binary vulva owners connect to their bodies and find their sexual pleasure, power, and wildness. Welcome to the show, Roshni.
Roshni Dominic: I'm so happy to be here with you.
Dalia Kinsey: And I love looking at your website, one, thanks for including people who have vulvas who do not identify as female. And two, I see the metaphor between food and orgasmic pleasure throughout the website, which resonates with me because I want for people to be having more pleasure across the board because it's so much easier to pursue habits that give you a payoff in real time instead of putting it off. But so many people are afraid of pleasure because pleasure in general was seen as a bad thing or taboo thing. And even when it comes to food. Some people are uncomfortable having a very pleasurable, maybe orgasmic experience with food.
But at the same time, everybody knows that correlation can be there. Yes, for sure. Everyone needs to look at the website so you can see the visuals that I'm talking about.
Roshni Dominic: I love that.
Dalia Kinsey: Go ahead. Oh, sorry. Didn't mean to cut you off. So, because you are a person of color, you probably already have an experience with sexuality that a lot of us can relate to, even though you're mostly a straight person.
Can you tell me a little bit about how you came to be sexually powerful, even though you came from a patriarchal upbringing, like most of us are in patriarchal cultures all over the planet. There's almost no matriarchal representation on the planet right now. How did you get to where you are?
Roshni Dominic: Yeah, so, um, firstly, I love that you noticed the food analogy throughout the website and how, you know, it's pleasures, pleasure, right?
Food, sexuality, it's all, it's all connected. Um, so I love that you noticed that and just coming to answer your question about my upbringing and how I, how I became a sexuality coach. So, yeah, I mean, my upbringing was, um, it's, it's a triple conservative upbringing. So, uh, I was born in Bahrain, which is in the Middle East, which is right next to Saudi Arabia.
So, Bahrain is right next to Saudi Arabia. And then I was born in this, um, conservative Indian families with a conservative Indian upbringing. And then lastly, I also was raised Catholic. So, I went to Catholic primary school as well in Bahrain. So, um, so it's. It's, it's not what you would call an environment conducive to becoming a sex coach.
Um, and, uh, you know, it's, uh, I remember like in my primary school, they actually cut out the pages in the science book, which had the reproductive system in it. So, but we all found out anyway, because my cousin got the book that didn't have the pages cut out. And she was like, oh my God, look at this. And we're like, why is that what they're hiding from us?
So anyway, um. But you know what? I'm privileged in that I always, I had this deep connection with my sexuality, like it emerged. I mean, I was very, um, scared of my sexuality, understandably, right, in the environment that I grew up in, but also, I had this deep connection that was emerging, and I'm very privileged that my body was, um, in a place where it wanted to heal, starting around 10 years ago, where I really dove into my Sexual journey, um, and sexual healing and delving more into pleasure.
And yeah, so I'm, I'm privileged that my body felt safe enough to heal, um, and felt safe enough to follow those breadcrumbs. Um, that, you know, the breadcrumbs where my body was like, oh, go to this trauma specialist to do this course. Um, you know, explore this, uh, program and, um, you know, and then. And everything that I explored, I'm just really grateful and privileged that my body felt safe enough to do that.
Because if it didn't feel safe enough, it was not going to happen, right? So, yeah, that was, that was how I became a sex coach. I just followed the breadcrumbs and, uh, found that this was really, really fulfilling and, um, purposeful and meaningful for me.
Dalia Kinsey: Did you simultaneously feel like you were starting to reclaim or fully own your sexuality as you were doing the training or did that healing work come first?
Roshni Dominic: I would say the training came first. Um, and then the healing came after that because the training came first, you know, I was delving into, um, Jade egg and Yoni eggs, as they call them, so Taoist methodology, and then some Tantric as well, um, and then just general, like, orgasmic stuff. So, there was all that and I came into it with this mainstream mindset of, um, you know, possibly influenced by Hollywood and things like that.
Which is just one facet of what sex can be like, right? So, as I did this training, I discovered more things, which I was like, Hmm, what if there's more? And then the healing happened, the healing of, shall we say the overlay that society kind of overlays over sexuality and says this is how you should have sex, and this is who you should have it with and how many times per day and how frequently and these are the sex practices you're supposed to do and that's it, nothing else, anything outside is weird or forbidden, right? So that's where the healing came in actually, my sexuality is mine and it's not for somebody else or a society to tell me what to do and how to express it.
Dalia Kinsey: Yeah, that's a powerful statement in itself that it is yours and no one else should be telling you how to express it I know that can feel really tricky if you have training in a religious context a social context, and a familial context that says everybody gets to tell you how to express your sexuality, especially if you're assigned female at birth.
Everybody has something to say about how you express your sexuality. Your sexuality. So, to get to a point where you fully understand your body as well that you get to decide. That sounds like it could take a while for a lot of us to get there.
Roshni Dominic: Yes, it's still, I'm still on my journey with that to be honest.
Still on my, it's not that I've reached the perfect Nirvana of this or anything like that. journey.
Dalia Kinsey: Yeah. You mentioned you had to feel safe enough in your body to do this work and you're also trauma-informed. And I know sometimes people hear the word trauma and they're thinking something again, maybe influenced by Hollywood.
They're thinking of a certain type of PTSD, or it had to be a massive event and they feel like maybe there are some things they don't feel comfortable discussing or feeling or thinking about, but they don't recognize that you could have trauma responses, even if you've never been through anything that you maybe would define as trauma.
How do you define trauma in the work that you're doing? And tell me a little bit more about why feeling safe in your body is a prerequisite for this work.
Roshni Dominic: Yeah. So, um, I would define trauma as something that, I mean, there's many definitions of it, but one that really resonates with me is too much too fast.
So, something that was very overwhelming, that one could not, that one didn't have someone who was safe enough with them to help them through it, to support them through it, um, and another definition is too, too little for too long. So, so, you know, if you, if one didn't get that, um, the connection with the primary caregiver and the support and love of the primary caregiver, and that was, you know, it was not there in their early life, for example, that would be too little for too long.
Um, so it's anything that our nervous systems find overwhelming. Um, but We're not able to process because if we were able to process it, it would naturally, that's what somatic experiencing, which is what I'm training in right now. You know, the body is very wise, and it knows what to do, right? Once it feels safe enough and it's in a safe enough container and feels that safety, then it will process that trauma and release it.
But if we've not been able to process that trauma and release it, then yeah, it just remains as a trauma of something that happened. Too much too soon or too little for too long, for example.
Dalia Kinsey: It seems like now we are seeing more health care providers and coaches being more informed around trauma, understanding that you could have the best of intentions.
But if you're not aware of when you're pushing too much you can do even more harm to the clients you set out to help. So, what is the role of trauma in sexuality and why is a trauma-informed person approach so important?
Roshni Dominic: Yes. I'm really glad you brought that up about, you know, if, if one pushes too much, then it can cause harm. And that's exactly why being trauma-informed is really important. Um, I, my biased opinion is it is a prerequisite to, to this work in sexuality is, um, you know, sexuality is very tender topic. So that's, Reason number one, I would say, to be trauma informed is many people have gone through, unfortunately, um, you know, experienced sexual trauma or abuse.
Um, and, and as you were saying, you know, sometimes we think, oh, we haven't gone through any trauma, but then living in this rigid Binary society that says this is how sex should be and this is who you should do it with and how often and anything outside the norm is weird or wrong, like that itself can be inherently traumatic as well, especially for LGBTQ plus folks.
Um, and so in my view, it's so important to be trauma informed, uh, to prevent harm from being caused, um, to the client. Um, and in, in like the, the definition for me for trauma informed is not. putting more stress on an already stressed-out system.
Dalia Kinsey: Yeah, that makes a lot of sense. I know, um, you mentioned Actually, okay, maybe didn't mention it, but I know I have it here in writing that you specified you create a safe enough space, understanding that there's technically no way any of us can guarantee a safe space.
I know sometimes I'll say something's a safe space or a safer space as a shorthand, but also knowing that I can't guarantee. And I'm a safe space for anyone. I'm a human with flaws and internalized bias, and you never know when you're going to say something that could be a trigger for someone else. But how do you create a safe enough space for this type of healing work?
Roshni Dominic: Yeah. Um, it's really humbling, right, that we can't, like, as you say, we're all human and we might, we might make a mistake. Um, and so first thing I would say is to create a safe enough space is respecting the person like that's really important and we're not there my role as a trauma-informed sexuality coach is not to tell the client how they should feel or what or how they should even feel about their sexuality or what gender they should be or what sexual orientation they should be or how they should think about something My role is to help them find their own inner wisdom about all of these things.
And then the other way I create or aim to create a safe enough or safer space is by welcoming all parts of themselves. Welcoming everything that arises, um, not pathologizing any part of themselves or, or any part that arises. So that's really, really important, especially again for LGBTQ Folks who are oppressed, and they've been told or given the message that They are wrong parts of them are wrong that sort of thing.
So, it's really important Um to not pathologize anything that comes up and instead to welcome everything that comes up every part of them that comes up um, and then we were talking about, you know, making mistakes which can happen even to the best, most experienced practitioners, it can happen, right?
But the important thing is to make a repair when that happens is to acknowledge that the mistake has been made, that that happened, and then to make a repair, to apologize sincerely, and then ask the client how they felt about them, what they would like to express, you know, so that's really, really important.
Um, and then. Yeah, really? It's welcoming every part that arises. I think I've covered it all. Definitely the repair when making a mistake and just letting the client know that there's nothing wrong with them and one final thing, I want to say on that as well is for many for many LGBTQ-plus folks, maybe they are in a period of uncertainty.
Maybe they don't know what their sexual orientation is. Maybe they're not sure what their gender is at this point. They might have many questions and no answers, right? Because they're usually trailblazers in their community. They might be the first one in their church, or the first one in their high school to be, you know, experiencing something like this.
It's really important to, when creating, in order to create a safe enough space, to be To, for me to be the person who is with them through the uncertainty so I can be with them through the uncertainty, not, you know, pressuring them or rushing them into making a decision or arriving at an answer, but really giving plenty of space to be there with them with the uncertainty for as long as it takes for as long as is needed.
Dalia Kinsey: Yes. I think that's an uncomfortable place to be in most humans like certainty and for things to be clearly defined. And I think that's one of the things that can be so challenging about having an orientation that is eclipsed in your culture or there's just no real sex ed provided for people with your orientation.
It feels like other people are provided a template and then we don't get anything. But at the same time, maybe that template that the straight people are getting is also trash because then it becomes a box and then the sexual expression is limited to what you were told is. When in reality, anything that two adults consent to is normal and fine.
I think letting go of the idea that you have to have it modeled for you, for you to be able to experience it and engage in it. It's a little scary. scary, but it's a really powerful point to come to. How do you relate to the importance of sexual expression in relationships in general? Because I've noticed that a lot of straight folks will maybe overemphasize how important sex is in queer people.
Like they'll make queerness just about sex. When really for a lot of people who are demisexual or they need connection to have sex, or they, in general, prefer to only have sex with people they have feelings for, it's really more about who do you tend to fall in love with, not necessarily who do you want to go to bed with.
So, I feel like a lot of times straight people are more obsessed with what. Queer folks are doing in the bedroom than they ought to be like even going so far as wanting to know who's the top and who's the bottom or wanting to know what it needs to be versed when I would never ask A straight person like, oh, do you go down on your partner or do you swallow?
That's obviously not an okay question to ask. You're just having like a regular conversation that's not about intimacy with someone. But I hear a lot of straight people ask like, who’s penetrating who? What are you talking about?! Like, these are not things you ask people. It's too intimate, wanting to know what genitals you have? ‘I'm confused by your gender presentation.’
How do you relate to the importance of sexual expression and relationships and balancing for folks that for some people, it's really all about love and connection and the orgasm actually isn't that big of a deal.
Roshni Dominic: Yes. So, I would say the client is an expert on themselves, right?
So just so, um, as we were talking about earlier in terms of, I'm not an expert on somebody else if they come to me as a client, I will help them find their own inner wisdom because I respect the fact that they're an expert on themselves So for everyone who orgasm is not a big deal. I invite you to embrace that embrace That orgasm is not a big deal for you.
Maybe sexual expression is not a big deal for you. Maybe having sex with someone is not a big deal or you don't really care for it. But what you want is the romance and the love instead. And I really invite folks listening to embrace. What your inner wisdom tells you because nobody has any right, first of all, no one has any right to ask people these, um, quite intimate questions about their sex life in a normal conversation where they're not expecting it, um, especially without consent.
So that another part of being trauma informed is the consent piece, um, which is really important. And I really feel that I really feel, um, that unfortunately these, these boundary violating questions sometimes come up and I really invite folks listening to feel into their bodies and, and, you know, feel, uh, whether there's a boundary violation here happening.
And if so, then please feel free to say, actually, I don't feel comfortable answering that question. Yeah, so own it, own it is what is my invitation to, um, everyone listening. Whatever your sexual expression, maybe you're asexual, then own that. And I know it's, I know this is, this is so easy to say, right? Own your self expression.
And I also want to really acknowledge that it's hard to do because, not because there's anything wrong with any of us. It's not our fault. It's the systemic oppression, um, and living in this rigidly binary society. So, I also want to say. Please don't feel bad or like you're broken or something's wrong with you if you can't own it.
Um, you know, but I would also invite as much as possible to really, um, to really own how you feel. Your, your authentic expression of your sexuality.
Dalia Kinsey: Yeah, that's really helpful. A friend of mine is going through training to be a sex therapist, essentially. And one of the things that he was explaining to me is coming up again and again in the training is that things that he maybe already knew intuitively, there's research to support it.
Like that for people who report having the most pleasure during encounters, it can't be measured by the orgasm. But one through line is. Like how in sync, you are with your partner. So, I know that comes up a lot in tantric sex, like really getting in sync, maybe even the way you're breathing naturally starts to get in sync, or maybe even your heart rate gets in sync with the other person, and you feel like an intense level of connection, which I would think probably increases the likelihood that you would have an orgasm, but everybody's body is so different. You know, you can never really be sure. But what have you seen in your work experience? Like who is getting what's the through line in the folks that are experiencing a lot of satisfaction in their sex life?
Roshni Dominic: Yeah. So, the folks who are experiencing a lot of satisfaction in their sex life are not afraid to ask for what they want. They're not afraid to go and experiment and find out what they like and what they don't like. Um, it seems that they do have more of a connection with their partner or partners because of course, um, you know, we support, uh, all relationship structures or, um, lovership structures.
It can be, um, you know, you can have one partner, more partners, one lover, more lovers, absolutely fine. And, um, so it does seem that, uh, a connection with the, with the lover or lover's partner or partners does enhance. Um, and also there's, there was a study, um, that was done, I think it was from Finland, uh, where they said that, um, I think it was a study done on women in particular, where the women who liked, who had a positive view of their genitals actually had better pleasure and better sex.
makes perfect sense to me. So, it's about, um, healing any shame that is, which again, not our fault, it's a society and systemic thing. Um, but once our body feels. safe enough to heal that shame. Um, people find that they more often than not have, you know, experienced much more pleasure, much more love for themselves. And self-love is, is always beautiful for more pleasure as well.
Dalia Kinsey: Yeah. What do you usually do with clients that, let's say they're not comfortable with their genitals and maybe they are pre-gender affirming care. What is the bridge between being able to enjoy your sex life right now before you feel comfortable in the body that you're in?
Roshni Dominic: Yeah. So, my approach is welcoming everything, welcoming whatever comes up for them when they think about their genitals, when they look at their genitals. Um, and. Um, welcoming everything and being with them because being with is actually really important. Even if I don't have anything to offer in terms of saying sometimes just being with the co-regulation with someone else's nervous system is super important.
Um, because you know, their nervous system then kind of realizes, okay, it's a safe enough space here for me to be with whatever arises for them to be with what arises and I'm there supporting them while everything is arising for them. So definitely, that would be one piece, and another would be, um, inviting them to actually give their genitals a voice.
And asking if their genitals want to communicate with them. And I know that sounds a bit strange, but I believe that, you know, genitals are sentient. They are a part of a living body. Right. And so, they have something to say, too. So, opening that communication with one's genitals, I find is extremely important because it's.
If you had a friend who you never talked to and didn't like, um, you know, how much of a friend would that be, right? Like, what would your relationship be like? Whereas if you, if you were to say, hey, I know we haven't had a great relationship, but I'm curious. And this is, this brings me to the next point.
Curiosity is such a superpower. I tell you, superpower in healing. And when I say healing, I don't even mean like, oh, we have to be healed because there's something wrong with us. No, it's actually about embracing. Healing. Um, my trauma specialist mentor, Shelby Lee, said embracing trauma rather than healing trauma at one point, which I thought was so beautiful.
I have chills saying this because it's about embracing, embracing what shows up, embracing the ambivalence or the not liking the genitals or whatever shows up, um, and being with it because it's not wrong. What's coming up is not wrong. It's not bad. It's just coming up and we're just there to care for it and tend it and give it space.
Because the body is wise, and all these feelings and everything coming up, they're wise, and maybe they have a message for us, maybe they're there to show us something, and it's really about embracing and seeing what happens, and curiosity is a superpower for that. So, getting curious, what do your genitals want to say to you?
What would you say to your genitals? What do your genitals need? What might you need for a good relationship with your genitals or even a neutral one to start with?
Dalia Kinsey: Yeah. I like the idea of a neutral one being an option as well, because maybe, yeah, maybe we're not going to get to 100 percent loving every part of our body.
Roshni Dominic: And that's okay too. It's all welcome. And that's where compassion comes in. Compassion for the parts that just won't change no matter how much we want them to change. Um, again, easier said than done, but even this is where I say to my clients, how about just having 1 percent compassion or 1 percent curiosity?
You don't have to go, you know, the whole go home, was it go hard or go home? Like we don't do that for men from sex coaching. We really don't. It's all about 1%. We call it titration and somatic experiencing just a tiny bit. Can we let this feeling be here just for a few moments?
Dalia Kinsey: Yeah. Okay. That makes a lot of sense. And I feel like when you think about how you define trauma, that really goes hand in hand with that. Yeah. Definitely. I know for some people, depending on how they were socialized, they may think it is their job to give their partner orgasms or it's their job to be multi-orgasmic during encounters. It's really interesting that messaging.
And again, I think we can usually. Thank Hollywood for this. And we could think pornography in general for this because I've never seen a porn where there was not an orgasm, or a money shot as people might say.
Talk about not being connected to reality. Cause like when you talk to your friends or, well, I know not everybody overly talks about sex, but based on what I have heard there should be at least some porn out there where nobody has an orgasm because that's the reality.
So how do you help people make peace with the fact that you don't have to derive your worth when it comes to sexual expression from how many orgasms are had or, you know, experience during an encounter?
Roshni Dominic: Yes. What a beautiful question. I just want to say before I answer that about porn, I read in a book, uh, once I think it was called, Everything You Know About Sex is Wrong, it's great book. And then there was like the reason we don't see any of these subtleties in porn, like people having no orgasms with just some pleasure is because the camera can't capture it. You know, there's, if someone is putting a screaming orgasm, then the camera just can't capture it because it's too subtle.
And I thought, yeah, well, it makes so much sense why we're not seeing, you know, just two people dying there next to see, because it would be too boring for the camera, apparently. Um, so to answer your question. Uh, but deriving one's worth from, from the number of orgasms one has. So, I will say this is quite personal to me because I, um, had this innocent misunderstanding.
I don't even want to say I fell for the trap because I very innocently came to this misunderstanding because of society, Hollywood, Cosmo, et cetera, about how, um, you know, the number of orgasms I have leads to my worth, right? Like more orgasms equals more worth. And I just want to invite everyone listening to consider like, what if that wasn't the case because I've in my belief system that is not the case anymore after a lot of healing, I found out that actually my worth is inherent. And that's why I invite folks listening to, um, consider that your worth is inherent. There's no number of orgasms or money or success or insert, fill in the blank, anything else external that can change your worth because your worth is inherent.
These concepts of worth and unworthiness, they're all human concepts that we made up to understand stuff, right? Because actually there's no such thing. I don't think there's even such a thing as worthy or unworthy. It's just everything is and everything. is worthy. I mean, even if you remove the whole, I know we're getting a little bit, um, esoteric here, but if you just remove the whole worthy and unworthy, what's left, right?
It's existence. And it's just, there’s so much inherent worth, it's not even a question of worthy or unworthy, if you know what I mean. But if we are going to talk about worthy and unworthy, then everyone's worth is inherent. You exist, therefore you're worthy. Therefore, there's no number of orgasms that can change your inherent, infinite worth.
So, you may as well go and have the pleasure that you want. And I'm not saying orgasms are bad, orgasms are beautiful, but so Is so is other forms of pleasure as well, and I heard it described in a magazine once somebody said, um, you know, our bodies like a fairground, and we only hop on the same two or three rides every time.
Why can't we go, you know, hop on every ride on the fairground? And I thought that was such a beautiful analogy and orgasm just made me one ride, you know?
Dalia Kinsey: Yeah, that makes a lot of sense. And even that people wanted to capture something. More visual and that being the pattern is really interesting. I know there are some well I don't even know if some I can think of one company that is a queer owned like trans feminist type of lens pornography company and they will sometimes focus on a person's face because you can read like ecstasy on someone's face also, but that's very different from what most people probably saw growing up.
Well, I shouldn't say growing up, I guess early in your adulthood, who knows whatever you started coming across these sorts of things. I've heard some things, and this is more like a film Hollywood type of realm, that Gen Z is more sex negative and that they don't even want to see sexual encounters and film like they tend to give negative feedback about any kind of sexual encounter being presented on film.
And I don't know where this is coming from, because it seems like in the 70s and going forward, people were kind of over-sexed or like thinking about it a lot but dealing with how taboo it was and happy to see it portrayed in film. Have you noticed a shift between generations when folks come to you?
Roshni Dominic: I would say that Gen Z are a lot more, uh, from what I've seen, they're a lot more comfortable, um, how do you say, embracing their, you know, sexuality in terms of, you know, maybe they, um, identify, like, if they identify as gender non binary, they might be more comfortable to do that.
Um, openly as opposed to someone maybe from an older generation. Um, and I feel like Gen Z in many ways are the rule breakers and I think in many ways they kind of have to be because like, look at the state of our planet. So, so I'm so grateful that they are, you know, coming out in droves of the rule breakers as well.
Um, so I wonder if the, their reaction to the, um, to the sex scenes on, on in movies and stuff is just like, can you stop giving us the same old formula? Like this is what we're supposed to do. And can you please show us something different, but that, you know, be more inclusive. Be more inclusive about other sexual experiences, not just the same old heterosexual penis in vagina sex, which, which apparently, we're all supposed to have according to society.
But no, we don't like it for authentic. Many people's true authentic sexual expression is not that. So, can we see something else, please, that is also authentic to people? So, I wonder if that's a kind of a, we are so tired of the same old BS of being told this is how we're supposed to have sex.
Dalia Kinsey: That makes a lot of sense that I could see where it could definitely be that people are maybe wanting for things to be more real because of how real information is that you can access sometimes on social media.
Like you're used to now seeing all types of lived experience reflected online. But in popular media, it's still pretty hetero-centric. I did see recently; I think it's called Strange Passengers. It's basically a romance that covers the McCarthy era all the way to the AIDS epidemic between one closeted man and one man who was living openly, even around like the Harvey Milk era.
And there were really beautiful, well filmed between those two main characters. And I've never, I've never seen that. And anything that I would consider mainstream before, like an actual love story between two men with sex scenes that had some complexity to it, like where you could see intimacy connection and, you know, that you don't need a vagina for sex. It's not necessary.
Roshni Dominic: Exactly. I mean, so beautiful. And that's what I want to see is more scenes like that, more different scenes that are different to what, you know, we've been seeing this whole time.
Dalia Kinsey: Yeah. That's encouraging. Now I'm seeing a lot of overlap between how I try and work with people in reclaiming pleasure around food and claiming pleasure in your body around sexuality.
How have you seen claiming your power, your sexual power influence claiming your power across the board in life in general?
Roshni Dominic: Yeah. Your question just made me think of the connection between the mouth and the pelvis. If you've, if you've seen diagrams of the vocal cords and genitals, for example, or the pelvis and the skull with the muscles. All of this looks remarkably similar to the point where, um, I've heard Saida Desilet callthe mouth, the vagina of the cranium, because like, it's so similar, the, um, the structures even, and the anatomy.
And also, there is a connection, but like tension in the pelvis usually leads to tension in the jaw, vice versa. So, it's quite connected this whole sexuality and food thing, I think. And, um, in terms of, yes, so claiming sexual power. So, I just want to say before I dive into that, um, really what I'm about to say is for those folks who actually resonate with the phrase of sexual power and sexual energy, there might be folks who don't resonate with that at all.
And that's absolutely fine. You know, you are welcome and included as well. Um, it's just that this a particular thing I'm about to talk about is for people who resonate with those phrases, sexual energy and sexual power. And so, um, just, you know, take what resonates with you, leave the rest is what I want to say.
So, diving in, um, if you do resonate with the phrase sexual energy and sexual power, and you feel you have sexual energy and sexual power, then I would really invite you to claim that because anything that we don't claim, we end up subconsciously suppressing. And anything that we suppress, it takes a lot of energy to suppress something that's naturally supposed to be, you know, vibrant and vital and there, right?
So, yeah, it's an energy drain. It's an energy drain to suppress. That's something that is a part of you, that you feel is a part of you. And so, if you feel that you have sexual energy and sexual power and they're a part of you, I strongly encourage and invite you to claim that because it is part of your overall power.
If you don't claim it, and again, not your fault if you don't claim it, you know, that's the whole systemic aspect of why, why we have been. discouraged to claim our sexual power. But unfortunately, the side effect of not claiming it is that energy drain and power drain. And we end up not claiming our full power in the process.
Dalia Kinsey: Yeah. That really resonates that you can see though, how it's something that may be. You will need a guide as you work through and I'm sure there's a lot that we can do on our own But like with most things it can be really helpful to have a non-judgmental person walk with you through these processes and hold space for you and affirm the things that come up because most of us have never had any of our any of our feelings about pleasure or accepting our bodies or exploring how we connect to other people, we haven't had a space where we can talk about it openly and have our concerns affirmed or have curiosity encouraged.
Roshni Dominic: Yeah, absolutely. And one thing I want to say as well, um, is that, you know, as a trauma informed sexuality coach, um, it's important for me to let my clients know which, what are my marginalized identities and what are my privileged identities as well. So, if they come to me and they want support with, for example, exploring their sexuality or their pleasure, then, um, uh, you know, it's important for me to to put that put that in the space.
You know, these are my marginalized identities. These are my privileged identity so that they know against come back to that safe enough space. Um, so they know it's safe enough to talk about that where our, um, you know, for example, our marginalized identities overlap, or our privileged identities overlap.
And if I find that they, um, that I that they have a marginalized identity that I don't, then I can acknowledge that and I can acknowledge we have different levels of privilege, and I can practice allyship. And another important thing as well is that if we share a marginalized identity, I can't assume their experience of their identity is the same as my experience.
For example, a brown person coming to me, I mean, I can't assume that their experience of being brown is the same as their experience of being brown. Bisexual person coming to me, I can't assume that their experience of bisexual would be perhaps my experience of being bisexual. So, um, yeah, this is why I mean, I highly encourage folks if they want support, definitely, you know, feel for which modality or methodology resonates with your body.
And then I would strongly and strongly recommend that they're trauma-informed as well so that they can hold that safe enough space for you. Um, and also that they are, you know, acknowledging their privileges as well as their marginalized identities, again, to make it safer space.
Dalia Kinsey: Yeah, it's really interesting that you specify you can't assume when you have shared identities that your experience of it is the same because I've definitely had that issue in a therapeutic relationship with like another black American, assuming that we have all of the same cultural influences going on and that we were socialized exactly the same.
And it caused a big rift because they just kept on assuming things and not centering my lived experience in the appointment. And prior to that, I had never even, understood that that could be a problem, but boy, oh boy, was it a problem. So, it's helpful that you clarify that for practitioners that are listening.
Just remember every human body is different. And if you're providing inclusive care, that means you're centering your client in every appointment. They should really be talking more than we're talking because we are. Teaching them to rely on their internal wisdom and getting information from them is the best way to figure out how to support them and go forward and you really can't do that if you never let them talk.
Roshni Dominic: Oh my gosh, yes, yes, yes to everything you said.
Dalia Kinsey: Take that in people. So where can people find you if they'd like to work for you? I'm sorry, if they would like to work with you.
Roshni Dominic: Yes. So, they can find me at roshni@roshni.live. And there you can find, um, yeah, some blog posts I write, which I do. You can jump on my email list if you want to. And there's even a free gift there, a free PDF with an audio embedded in it as well, um, for those who, um. would like to get out of their head and into their body. So that's something people say a lot. Oh, I want to get out of my head and into my body. And, you know, that can be like, it can almost be like, oh, you know, is someone going to force me to get out of my head and into my body?
And actually, no, that would be harmful. So, my PDF and audio is trauma-informed, which helps you take very gentle steps, and always with your consent. Always, always, it's very, very consent-based, very titrated, which means tiny steps. Um, and you know, there's a description of how to find a resource. So, you're always kind of resourcing yourself as well when needed.
And it's about a very gentle and trauma-informed way of getting out of your head and into your body with the utmost compassion and care for yourself. So yeah, feel free to visit my website and download it there. It's under the free gift section.
Dalia Kinsey: Everybody check that out, especially so you can see the food and sexuality visuals.
Roshni Dominic: Yes, I had a lot of fun with those grapes, Dalia. It was so fun.
Dalia Kinsey: They did a beautiful job.
Episode edited and produced by Unapologetic Amplified
Originally posted at https://daliakinsey.substack.com/p/claiming-your-sexual-power-and-pleasure
Want to Learn More?
Connect with Roshni
Listen to More from Body Liberation for All
Get the Book. Liberate Yourself
Imagine a world where wellness isn't one-size-fits-all but a colorful tapestry that celebrates every hue and curve of our diverse communities. That's where "Decolonizing Wellness" steps in. If you're ready to embark on a journey of self-acceptance and body liberation, this is your guidebook. Together, let's turn the page on outdated wellness narratives and step into a world where health and happiness are accessible to all.
This post was originally shared at https://daliakinsey.substack.com/p/transcending-real-life-barriers-and
Comments